The “Tummy Troubles Tango”: Massage Moves for Gassy Infants (and Parents)
The Gas-Busting Groove (aka “Clockwise Belly Circles”)
Picture this: your baby’s tummy is a tiny, angry balloon animal. Your mission? Gentle deflation. Warm your hands (no ice-cold zombie fingers, please), lay baby flat, and trace slow, clockwise circles around their belly button—like you’re hypnotizing a very small, very gassy cult leader. Pro tip: hum “Baby Shark” while you do it. *Why?* Science says so (probably).
The Toot-Toot Twist (aka “Bicycle Legs of Justice”)
If belly circles don’t unlock the gas vault, it’s time to pedal the pain away. Gently move baby’s legs in a bike-riding motion—think Tour de France, but with more spit-up. Bonus points if you narrate the race: *“And they’re rounding the diaper-changing station… will it be a toot or a total meltdown?!”* Warning: Results may include giggles, a suspicious noise, or a parental urge to duck.
The Parent-Infant Shimmy (aka “Tummy-to-Tummy Cuddles”)
Sometimes, you both need to lean into the chaos. Lie back, place baby tummy-down on your chest, and sway side-to-side like a walrus rocking its pup. This move says, “I, too, have eaten questionable gas station sushi—we’ll get through this.” Optional: Play smooth jazz. Mandatory: Blame the dog for any rogue smells afterward.
Liquid Diets & Milk-Shaming: When Breastfeeding Moms Eat Suspicious Kale
The Kale Accusations: A Leafy Green Witch Hunt
Ah, kale. The vegetable that’s either a superfood superhero or a gaslighting garnish, depending on which mom group you’ve accidentally doom-scrolled into. Breastfeeding parents are told to eat their greens—until someone’s cousin’s neighbor’s baby gets a hint of fussiness, and suddenly, kale is Public Enemy No. 1. *“Was it the organic smoothie? The artisanal salad? The suspiciously crunchy chip you ate while hiding in the pantry?”* Cue the milk-shaming symphony: a chorus of unsolicited advice about how your colicky baby is *obviously* reacting to that one rogue leaf you consumed in 2017.
Liquid Diets: Because Chewing is Overrated (Apparently)
Enter the liquid diet evangelists, armed with green juices and bone broth, ready to convince you that solid food is just a *societal construct*. Sure, sipping liquefied spinach might make you feel like a wellness wizard, but let’s be real:
- “Detox” tea that tastes like lawn clippings steeped in regret.
- Almond milk lattes that cost more than your prenatal vitamins.
- Soup for breakfast, because nothing says “I’ve got my life together” like drinking hot broth while nursing at 3 a.m.
The pressure to “purify” your milk via liquid sorcery is strong—but so is the urge to eat a taco without 17 people asking if beans are “safe.”
Pro tip: If kale *actually* caused infant chaos, humanity would’ve died out in the Middle Ages. Eat the suspicious greens. Or don’t. Either way, your milk is probably fine—and anyone who says otherwise can volunteer to be your personal smoothie chef.
Weird Internet Cures We DON’T Recommend (But Grandma Swears By)
Garlic-Stuffed Socks for the Common Cold
According to the *ancient scrolls of Pinterest*, stuffing garlic cloves into your socks overnight will “draw out toxins” and cure a cold. Sure, your feet will smell like an Italian restaurant’s dumpster, and your cat might disown you, but hey—science is still catching up to grandma’s kitchen logic. Bonus points if you wake up with garlic pulp between your toes and a lingering existential question: *“Why didn’t I just eat chicken soup?”*
Potato Under the Pillow for… Anything, Really
Headache? Slice a potato and tape it to your forehead. Insomnia? Tuck a spud under your pillow. Existential dread? Carry a russet in your pocket for “good vibes”. The humble potato is apparently the Swiss Army knife of folk remedies, despite zero evidence it does anything except confuse your dog. Pro tip: If your pillow starts sprouting eyes, you’ve taken the “organic” approach too far.
Duct Tape Therapy for Warts
Why visit a dermatologist when you can suffocate your warts with the same adhesive used to fix lawnmowers? Grandma’s method involves wrapping the offending bump in duct tape for weeks, until either the wart surrenders or your skin evolves into a rubberized armor. Side effects may include:
- A newfound fear of ripping noises
- Explaining to coworkers why your toe looks like a mummified raisin
- Questionable life choices