Breaking News: Bradman’s Best Girlfriend Was Actually a Cricket Ball (Sorry, Humans)
Hold your front-page headlines, folks! Historians have uncovered shocking evidence that Sir Donald Bradman’s legendary batting average (99.94, in case you’ve been living under a cricket stump) wasn’t just skill—it was true love. Newly discovered diaries reveal the Aussie icon whispered sweet nothings to his trusty red Kookaburra, calling it “the only partner that never let me down.” Rumor has it he even tried to take it to dinner once, but the ball refused to be buttered. Priorities!
Exclusive: The Cricket Ball’s Side of the Story
- Love letters? Allegedly signed “From Your Seamstress in Shining Leather.”
- Date nights: Involved 8-hour net sessions and aggressive off-drives.
- Human rivals? Reportedly told a teammate, “You can’t handle her reverse swing.”
Why Humans Never Stood a Chance
Let’s face it—Bradman’s relationship with the cricket ball was the OG romance. It never argued about his obsession with the Ashes, always stayed polished for photo ops, and delivered consistent ~*~vibes~*~ of 100+ runs per inning. Meanwhile, human women came a distant second, with one ex reportedly sighing, “He’d rather stare at a *wicket* than my new hat.” The ball, however, denies all allegations of jealousy-inducing spin. “It was purely professional,” it lied.
The Conspiracy Theory They Don’t Want You to Know: Bradman Dated a Calculator in 1932
The “Smoking Abacus” That Started It All
Rumors began in a dusty Adelaide attic when a leather-bound journal allegedly belonging to Sir Donald Bradman surfaced. Inside? Scribbles like, “399.94… my one true love” and a sketch of a rectangular object with buttons labeled *“heartthrob.exe”* (yes, in 1932). Historians insist it’s just cricket math, but why did he whisper *“multiply me, darling”* during naps? Coincidence? Or proof he romanced a proto-AI Casio?
The Suspiciously Perfect Timing
Bradman’s 1932 batting average? A devilish 99.94. The calculator’s invention? Officially 1967. But “they” say a time-traveling TI-30 crash-landed in his wheat farm, teaching him algebraic pillow talk. Witnesses claim he’d shout *“square root my soul!”* mid-single. Even his wife confessed in a 1975 interview: *“Don loved two things: cricket and… something that beeped.”*
- Exhibit A: A photo of Bradman holding a “mystery brick” (looks suspiciously like a solar-powered calculator with 1930s duct tape).
- Exhibit B: His infamous “Numbered Love Letters” auctioned in 1982, containing equations ending with ❤️ = √(-1).
- Exhibit C: The calculator’s alleged diary entry: *“Destroy all humans… except Don. He’s cute.”*
Critics argue electricity wasn’t reliable in 1932. Supporters counter: “Ever heard of a potato battery? Or love?” Either way, the ICC still denies requests to X-ray his trophies for hidden microchips. *Keep sleeping, sheeple.*
Bradman’s Best Girlfriend: A Step-by-Step Guide to Competing with a 99.94 Batting Average
Step 1: Master the Art of Timing (Like It’s the 1930s)
Sir Don Bradman didn’t score 6996 runs by “winging it” over tea and crumpets. If you want to compete with a metaphorical 99.94, you’ll need borderless precision. Practice your “romantic cover drives” by remembering anniversaries, noting her caffeine-to-sarcasm ratio, and never, ever asking, “Cricket? Isn’t that just fancy stickball?” Pro tip: Use a spreadsheet. If Bradman tracked his innings, you can track her hatred of pineapple on pizza.
Step 2: Avoid the “Duck” in Emotional Wickets
In cricket, a “duck” means you’ve failed to score. In dating, it’s forgetting her pet iguana’s birthday/existential fear of staplers. To dodge disaster:
- Study her quirks like a Test match pitch (is she a “text back in 2 minutes” or a “carrier pigeon response time” person?).
- Bowl googly questions at rivals: “Oh, you like her? Name three of her childhood imaginary friends.”
- Never let her see you cry… unless it’s over Bradman’s 1948 “Invincibles” retirement. That’s just good taste.
Step 3: Innovate or Perish (See: Bodyline Controversy, But Flirtier)
Bradman’s rivals once weaponized aggressive bowling. You? Weaponize aggressive charm. Outshine competitors by:
- Writing handwritten letters detailing her superiority to Google’s algorithm (bonus points for wax seals).
- Calculating the exact number of chocolates needed weekly to sustain a 99.94% “happy girlfriend” average (it’s 7.3, rounded up).
- Casually mentioning you’ve “taken up cricket” to understand her fascination. *Proceeds to knock over a vase with a souvenir bat*