Mason Graham’s Girlfriend: The Case of the Missing Human (And the Suspiciously Smug Llama)
When Mason Graham’s girlfriend vanished without a trace, the internet did what it does best: spiral into chaos, armed with conspiracy theories and a llama named Larry who’s been photobombing Graham’s Instagram with the confidence of a creature who knows exactly where the missing human is. Larry’s smirk in every post—especially the one where he’s casually chewing a daisy crown near a “Missing” poster—has raised eyebrows. Is he a fluffy mastermind? A woolly witness? Or just a llama who’s really into floral accessories? The world may never know (but we’re betting on option one).
Key Clues the Internet Won’t Shut Up About:
- The Daisy Crown Incident: Larry wore it before the girlfriend’s disappearance. Coincidence? Unlikely.
- Alpaca-Sweater Evidence: A blurry screenshot of Graham’s laundry pile revealed a sweater made of llama wool. Curious.
- The “Helpful” Neighbor: Claims Larry hummed the Mission: Impossible theme song. We’re fact-checking this.
Meanwhile, Graham remains tight-lipped, insisting Larry is “just a llama with great cheekbones.” But let’s be real: if your significant other disappears and your pet starts side-eyeing the camera like a Bond villain’s sidekick, maybe answer a few questions. Followers have since flooded Larry’s fan accounts (yes, plural) with demands for a tell-all interview. So far, he’s responded by spitting artisanal hay into a TikTok influencer’s latte. The plot—like Larry’s fur—thickens.
Why Mason Graham’s Alleged Girlfriend Might Be a Cryptid (And How to Spot Her)
Let’s address the elephant squid in the room. Mason Graham’s “girlfriend” has never been photographed without a suspiciously blurry aura, is only seen during foggy nights, and once reportedly vanished into a cornfield after muttering, “I must return to my pod.” Coincidence? Unlikely. Here’s why the internet’s newest cryptid candidate might just be a Mothman with a skincare routine.
Evidence She’s Not of This Realm
- Footage? What Footage? Every alleged sighting looks like it was filmed on a potato strapped to a drone. Coincidence, or does she emit a natural anti-4K aura?
- She’s Weirdly Into Moon Phases. According to “sources” (a guy named Greg in a Reddit thread), she only appears during a waxing gibbous and once tried to trade Mason a handful of moss for a latte.
- No Shadow. A TikTok investigator zoomed in 500% on a paparazzi shot and found she casts zero shadow. Basic physics? More like basic phantom.
How to Spot Her (If You Dare)
- Follow the owl noises. Cryptids love a good avian cover story.
- Leave out offerings. Try artisanal kombucha or a vintage Tamagotchi—modern cryptids have evolved tastes.
- Check for glowing eyes in group photos. Not the red-eye effect. The “I’m here to usher in the apocalypse” effect.
Still skeptical? Ask yourself: why does Mason’s dog bark at empty corners now? Why does his Instagram bio suddenly say “dating the void”? The truth is out there. Or, you know, hiding in a lake.
How to Become Mason Graham’s Girlfriend in 3 Easy Steps (Disclaimer: Don’t Actually Do This)
Step 1: Master the Art of “Coincidental” Stalking
First, you’ll need to “accidentally” cross paths with Mason Graham so often he starts to believe in glitches in the Matrix. Memorize his coffee order (oat milk latte, extra existential dread), then show up at his local café wearing a shirt that says “I ♥ Defensive Midfielders.” Too subtle? Try “spontaneously” joining his gym and “innocently” asking him to spot you while bench-pressing a bag of onions. Pro tip: If he notices you lurking in his hedges, claim you’re a freelance topiary critic. Casual!
Step 2: Become His Doppelgänger’s Doppelgänger
Mason loves football, so obviously, you must reinvent yourself as a sentient soccer ball. Failing that, mirror his interests with the precision of a caffeinated parrot. Start a podcast analyzing his Instagram posts (*“See how he holds that avocado toast? Classic 4-3-3 formation vibes”*). Learn to cook his grandma’s famous lasagna, but replace the noodles with kale because health is wealth. Bonus points if you dye your hair the exact shade of his favorite cleats. Note: This is not a cry for help. Probably.
Step 3: Propose Marriage via Interpretive Dance
Finally, declare your undying love in a way he can’t ignore. Rent a billboard next to his training ground with the message *“Mason, Let’s Make Throw-Ins Throw-Backs”*. Hire a flash mob dressed as his childhood teddy bears to perform a choreographed routine to “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid. If all else fails, “trip” and spill glitter on him at a charity event while whispering, “Oops, now you’re stuck with me… metaphysically.” Remember: subtlety is for people who aren’t destined to go viral on TikTok.
Disclaimer: This is satire. Please respect boundaries (and maybe invest in a hobby that doesn’t involve hedge-topiary espionage).