The Great Nicolas Pepe Girlfriend Conspiracy: Bigfoot Has a Better Publicist

Nicolas Pépé’s Mysterious Love Life: A Cryptid-Level Enigma

Nicolas Pépé, Arsenal’s once-record signing, has two things in common with Bigfoot: both are notoriously hard to track, and neither has ever been photographed with their alleged “partner.” While Bigfoot at least gets blurry trail cam footage and a *History Channel* documentary series, Pépé’s girlfriend remains a myth wrapped in a riddle, smothered in secret sauce. Rumor has it she’s been spotted in the wild—perhaps sipping espresso in Paris or browsing antique fog machines in Transylvania—but concrete evidence? *Nada*. Even UFO enthusiasts are like, “Bro, this is too much.”

Why Bigfoot’s Agent Deserves a Raise

• Bigfoot: Has a merch line, a fanbase who swear he’s real, and a dedicated “Sighting Map.”
• Pépé’s GF: Exists only in cryptic Instagram comments and the imaginations of bored Twitter detectives.
• Bigfoot’s Publicist: Masterfully spins “blurry blob” into “iconic legend.”
• Pépé’s PR Team: “We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas!”

Let’s be real: if Pépé’s girlfriend *does* exist, she’s either a high-level operative trained in stealth or a collective hallucination caused by overpriced stadium nachos. Meanwhile, Bigfoot’s out here getting book deals and cameos in car commercials. The takeaway? If you want to stay hidden, date a footballer. If you want fame? Just wander the woods looking vaguely like a hairy fridge. Priorities, people.

Is Nicolas Pepe’s Girlfriend in Witness Protection? A List of Wild Guesses

Nicolas Pepe’s girlfriend has managed to stay more undercover than a spy at a karaoke bar, sparking rumors that she’s either a ninja, a figment of our collective imagination, or—yes—in witness protection. Let’s dissect the conspiracy corkboard of theories, because someone has to ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, does she have a favorite flavor of glitter? Unclear. But here’s what we’ve “uncovered”:

Theory #1: She’s Actually an Undercover Agent

• Evidence: Zero social media presence. Not even a blurry vacation pic with a suspiciously placed palm tree.
• Counterargument: Maybe she just hates Instagram. Or sunlight. Or existing.

Theory #2: The FBI Gave Her a New Identity (and a Pet Parrot)

• Evidence: Pepe once mentioned “long walks on the beach” in an interview. Beaches are ideal for dropping cryptic clues via seashells.
• Counterargument: The parrot is purely speculative. But we’re 80% sure it’s named Steve.

Theory #3: She’s a Time Traveler Stuck in 1997

• Evidence: Allegedly, Pepe owns a flip phone. Coincidence? Absolutely. But let’s pretend it’s not.
• Counterargument: If she’s from the future, why hasn’t she warned us about the robot uprising? Rude.

Is any of this plausible? Of course not. But until she materializes—or releases a tell-all TikTok about her life as a covert operatic soprano—we’ll keep connecting imaginary dots. After all, the truth is out there. Probably hiding in a bunker. With Steve.

5 Ways to Cope While We Wait for Nicolas Pepe’s Girlfriend to Start an Instagram

1. Become a Forensic Comment Detective

While we’re all stuck in this digital purgatory, why not comb through Nicolas Pepe’s existing Instagram posts for crumbs? Zoom in on that coffee cup in his 2017 vacation photo. Is that a mysterious manicured hand holding it? Congratulations, you’ve just discovered “Evidence A” in your self-assigned *Pepe Partner Investigation*. Bonus points if you screenshot it, add a red circle, and post it to a fan forum with the caption, “SHE’S REAL.”

2. Start a “Pepe’s GF Starter Pack” Meme Series

Distract yourself by crowdsourcing what her Instagram *would* look like. Will it be 90% artfully filtered café au lait photos (#IvorianAesthetic), or a chaotic mix of puppy videos and Pepe goal compilations set to Europop? Create polls. Tag Arsenal fan accounts. Demand answers. If you manifest it hard enough, maybe the algorithm will cave and deliver her profile to your Explore page by Tuesday.

3. Train a Parrot to Squawk “Just Post the ‘Gram Already”

Too extreme? Fine. Alternative options:
– Host a “Pepe’s Mystery Muse” fanfiction contest (*winner gets a custom haiku about his left foot*).
– Learn French just to DM his childhood friends’ cousins for intel.
– Build a shrine out of old matchday programs and whisper “*launch the grid*” into a jar of bergamot-scented candles.

Look, we’re not here to judge coping mechanisms—we’re here to survive the content drought.