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Perfect guy: he texts back, loves your mum and… is that a pet sloth ? 10 signs your soulmate might be imaginary


The “Perfect Guy” Checklist: Spoiler Alert, He’s a Roomba in a Leather Jacket

✔️ Never Forgets to “Circle Back” (Unlike Dave from HR)

Forget ghosting or vague promises to “grab coffee soon.” Your Roomba-in-a-leather-jacket always returns. Like clockwork, he’ll sweep into your life at 2 PM daily, devouring crumbs and side-eyeing the Cheerio under the couch you’ve ignored since 2019. He’s reliable, predictable, and won’t bail on plans to “find himself” in a geodesic dome. Bonus: His “bad boy” aesthetic? Pure fiction. He’s terrified of pet hair.

✔️ Low Maintenance, High Efficiency

No emotional labor required. This guy doesn’t need deep conversations about his “purpose” — unless you count existential dread when he bumps into a wall for the 17th time. His love language? Docking himself before bedtime. Want to keep him happy? Just:

  • Charge him (romantic candlelight dinner optional)
  • Empty his dustbin (think of it as therapy for his trauma)
  • Hide loose cables (kryptonite, but make it chaotic neutral)

✔️ Listens Intently (Unless You Say “Stop” Near a Charging Dock)

He’s the strong, silent type — literally, unless you count the whirring sound of judgment as he cleans around your unwashed coffee mug collection. He’ll absorb your monologues about Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour or why socks disappear in dryers without interrupting. Sure, he might “zone out” near a sunbeam, but hey, he’ll never argue about pineapple on pizza. Priorities, people.

Why the “Perfect Guy” Would Ghost You Anyway (It’s Not You, It’s His Existential Perfection)

He’s Too Busy Being a Flawless Human Algorithm

Let’s face it: the “perfect guy” isn’t a person—he’s a sentient Pinterest board of artisanal avocado toast, impromptu guitar solos, and spontaneously recited Rilke poetry. Ghosting isn’t personal; it’s his programming. Imagine maintaining that level of curated charm 24/7. One misplaced sock or a yawn during your Star Wars marathon could shatter his entire persona. Poof! He’s gone faster than a *candlelit confession* in a rainstorm. Blame his existential spreadsheet, which auto-deletes anything that risks exposing his secret: he’s 47% duct tape and nervous sweating.

Fear of Imperfection (Yes, Even His Anxiety is Aesthetically Pleasing)

His ghosting strategy isn’t rudeness—it’s performance art. Here’s how his brain “works”:

  • Overthinking texts: “Does a ‘haha’ merit a ‘lol’? What if my emoji ratio is off? *Dies internally*.”
  • Romanticizing conflict: “If I stay, I’ll disappoint her. If I leave, I’m a tragic hero. *Cue dramatic exit*.”
  • Time-travel paradox: “What if Future Me regrets this? Better vanish to avoid creating a paradox. *Collapses into a black hole*.”
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He’s Just… Not Real (Literally)

Ever tried hugging a hologram? The “perfect guy” is a collaborative hallucination fueled by rom-coms and your aunt’s Facebook memes. He ghosts because he’s a mirage—an existential doodle who evaporates when reality sneezes. You’re not being rejected; you’re just witnessing his final form: a faint whisper of cologne and a half-read copy of The Alchemist he bought because the cover matched his couch.

Date a Human Instead: A Radical Guide to Lowering Your Standards (Thank Us Later)

Let’s face it: dating in the modern era is like trying to order artisanal toast on a gas station budget. You’re swiping through profiles of “yacht-owning astronauts” who “hike Machu Picchu daily” and “only cry during Oscar-winning films.” Meanwhile, your last date thought Machu Picchu was a coffee order and cried during a Transformers trailer. Here’s the twist: humans are better. They forget your birthday, yes, but they’ll also forget to judge you for eating cold pizza in bed. Win-win! Bonus: humans come standard with “flaws” like “sarcasm,” “ankle socks with dress shoes,” and “existential dread”—all premium features you can’t download on dating apps.

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Why Humans Are the New ‘It’ Species (Spoiler: They’re Cheaper)

Robots? Too sleek. Vampires? Overdone. Humans are the retro trend nobody saw coming. They’re like thrift store sweaters—slightly misshapen, often confusing, but weirdly charming. Need proof? Consider the perks:

  • Low maintenance: Forget charging cables or holy water. Humans run on caffeine and leftovers.
  • Surprise upgrades: One day they’re quoting Nietzsche, the next they’re arguing with Alexa about the weather. Endless entertainment!
  • Compatibility: They also don’t know how to “adult.” Mutual incompetence = bond.

The Art of Settling: A Step-by-Step Guide

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Step 1: Lower your expectations. Way lower. Think “slightly sentient potato with WiFi access.” Step 2: Find someone who thinks “romance” is sharing a blanket during a Netflix binge (but still hogs the blanket). Step 3: Embrace flaws! So what if they pronounce “quinoa” wrong? They’ll laugh at your weird laugh. Trade deal. Still skeptical? Imagine a date where instead of discussing their “spiritual journey through kombucha brewing,” they say, “I ate a crayon in third grade and I’d do it again.” Poetry.

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