Siya Kolisi’s New Girlfriend: Fact, Fiction, or a Sentient Avocado Toast?
The Rumor Mill: From Whispers to Wheatgrass Shots
Let’s address the elephant in the room—or should we say, the avocado on the toast? Rumors about Siya Kolisi’s “new girlfriend” have ricocheted from Twitter threads to Pretoria coffee shops faster than you can say “hold the chili flakes.” Sources range from “my cousin’s barber’s yoga instructor” to a suspiciously detailed TikTok slideshow set to ABBA’s Mamma Mia. But here’s the twist: the alleged love interest isn’t human. Or even mammalian. According to one particularly unhinged Reddit thread, it’s a sentient avocado toast with a verified Instagram account (@GuacNRoll2024). We’re not saying it’s true, but the toast does have better abs than most of us.
Avocado Toast: The Real MVP (Most Vexing Paramour)
Before you side-eye your breakfast, let’s dissect this mashup of gossip and gastronomy. Key “evidence” includes:
- A blurry photo of Siya holding a brunch plate, captioned “my ride or rye.” (Pun intended? Jury’s out.)
- @GuacNRoll2024’s bio: “Single. Smashed. Ready to mingle. 🥑✨”
- A since-deleted tweet alleging the toast “likes” Kolisi’s posts within 3 seconds. (Bot or besotted brunch? You decide.)
Is this a PR stunt for a new café? A metaphor for society’s obsession with celebrity? Or just the internet being the internet? Meanwhile, Kolisi himself remains as chill as a refrigerated avocado. No denials, no confirmations—just a man, a World Cup trophy, and possibly the world’s first carb-based relationship. If true, we’d like to know the toast’s stance on long-distance relationships. And gluten.
Exclusive Investigation: Tracking the “Siya Kolisi New Girlfriend” Myth to a 17th-Century Pickle Jar
How a Dutch Merchant’s Briny Obsession Sparked Modern Gossip
Rumors about Siya Kolisi’s “new girlfriend” first surfaced on social media, but our team of highly caffeinated historians traced them back to a far stranger source: a 17th-century pickle jar in Rotterdam. Yes, really. The jar, labeled “Gertruyd’s Spicy Secrets,” contained a 1698 diary entry about a local merchant who, after fermenting cucumbers for 11 months, hallucinated a scandal involving a “charming captain” and a “mystery woman.” Historians confirm the merchant also wrote fan fiction about goats wearing wigs, so take that as you will.
The Pickle Jar-to-Twitter Pipeline: A Timeline
- 1698: Merchant Hendrik van Brine mistakes his own pickle-induced ramblings for prophetic visions.
- 2021: A TikTok user named “Gherkin_Gossip69” references van Brine’s diary in a viral video about “hidden celebrity codes.”
- 2023: An AI-generated meme merges Kolisi’s face with van Brine’s goat sketches. Algorithms, confused, declare it “breaking news.”
Critics argue the connection is thinner than the brine in Hendrik’s failed “marmalade-pickle hybrid” experiment. Yet, the myth persists, fueled by a 2024 museum exhibit that accidentally displayed the jar next to a Springboks jersey. Curators blame “a labeling error and possibly vengeful ghosts.” Meanwhile, Kolisi’s actual life remains blissfully un-pickled. The lesson? Always fact-check your gossip. And maybe avoid 300-year-old fermented vegetables.
How to Date Siya Kolisi’s Alleged New Girlfriend: A Step-by-Step Guide (for Chaos Gremlins)
Step 1: Master the Art of Coincidental Proximity (But Make It ✨Unhinged✨)
First, you’ll need to “accidentally” cross paths with Siya’s alleged new flame. Do not rely on basic stalker-adjacent tactics like lurking at rugby games or Cape Town coffee shops. Instead, manifest chaos:
- Befriend a wandering alpaca farmer who “just happens” to know her Pilates instructor’s cousin’s dog walker.
- Start a niche TikTok series about ”The Spiritual Symbolism of Rugby Socks” and tag her mysteriously. Twice. No more, no less.
- Show up at a random vineyard with a boombox blasting “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid, but claim you’re there for a “raisin appreciation retreat.”
Step 2: Weaponize Your Charm (Read: Controlled Chaos)
If Step 1 doesn’t get you arrested, it’s time to deploy gremlin-level charisma. Key moves include:
- Casually mentioning you’ve ”dated a World Cup trophy in a past life” to establish common ground.
- Gifting her a “mystery succulent” you “found” in a parking lot (bonus points if it’s actually just a weed).
- Challenging her to a spontaneous game of ”What’s the Weirdest Place You’ve Ever Eaten a Sandwich?” while maintaining unblinking eye contact.
Step 3: Embrace the Inevitable Plot Twist
Congratulations! You’ve either secured a date or been legally banned from owning a boombox. If by some miracle you’re still in the game, double down on absurdity:
- Plan a “romantic” picnic featuring only foods that start with the letter Q (quinoa quiche? Questionable life choices?).
- ”Accidentally” swap her phone with a Nokia 3310 pre-loaded with flirty Snake game high scores.
- Casually reveal you’ve started a cult worshipping the concept of ”mild inconvenience” and ask if she’d like to be High Priestess.