Terry Moran’s Height: Why Are We Like This?
Let’s address the elephant in the room—or rather, the hypothetical yardstick in the room. Why does Terry Moran’s height live rent-free in our collective brainspace? Is it because we’re secretly measuring ourselves against a man who interviews presidents while we struggle to parallel park? Or is it because height, like the existence of gluten-free water, is a mystery we’re compelled to solve? Maybe we’re just bored. Maybe we’re all part of a clandestine group project titled “How Tall Is That Guy From TV, Actually?” and forgot to opt out.
The Great Height Conspiracy: A Timeline
- 2005: Terry Moran appears on ABC. The internet collectively whispers, “But how?” (How tall? How composed? How does his hair defy gravity?)
- 2012: A Reddit thread speculates he’s either 5’10” or a very convincing hologram. Both theories gain traction.
- Today: You’re here, wondering if his stature explains his ability to ask hard-hitting questions while we’re still Googling “how to adult.”
Why Your Brain Demands Answers
Science says humans fixate on trivial details to avoid existential dread. Philosophy says it’s because we’re chaos gremlins. Reality? We’re just biologically wired to care whether Terry Moran could comfortably ride a rollercoaster or need a step stool to grab cereal from the top shelf. It’s primal. Ancient tribes measured leaders by their ability to “see over tall grass”, and now we’ve swapped grass for cable news desks. Progress!
The Terry Moran Height Conspiracy: Ladders, Lies, and LinkedIn
Let’s address the elephant—or perhaps the very tall giraffe—in the room. Why does Terry Moran’s LinkedIn profile photo look like it was taken by someone balancing on a trampoline? Conspiracy theorists (read: bored LinkedIn users with too much time between job applications) have noted peculiarities. A suspiciously placed ladder in the background of a 2017 press event. A Zoom call where Moran appears to be sitting on what can only be described as a throne of phone books. And why does every colleague standing next to him in photos resemble a garden gnome? Coincidence? Or a masterclass in vertical illusion?
The Smoking Ladder Evidence
- Exhibit A: A 2019 tweet from ABC’s studio janitor: “Why does Terry’s office have a stepladder labeled ‘DO NOT TOUCH’? Asking for a friend.”
- Exhibit B: That one viral TikTok dissecting his shoe collection—orthopedic inserts or platforms of deception?
- Exhibit C: The fact that nobody has ever seen him and a fire pole in the same room.
LinkedIn influencers are split. Some argue his height is a metaphor for “career climb.” Others insist his profile’s “6’0” listing is written in Comic Sans—the font of lies. Meanwhile, contractors report a surge in “custom ladder requests” from news studios. Are we to believe this is all just… perspective? Or has Terry Moran been gaslighting us with a combination of forced camera angles and strategically placed stepstools? The truth is out there. Probably next to a ladder in the ABC break room.
How to Measure Terry Moran’s Height (Without Triggering an Existential Crisis)
Method 1: The “Emmy Award Stack” Approach
First, locate Terry Moran. Then, locate his Emmy Awards (he’s got a few). Stack them vertically until you match his height. Warning: If you run out of Emmys mid-stack, abort immediately. Staring at the gap between “actual height” and “trophy validation” may lead to questions like, *“What even is achievement?”* or *“Why are we all made of stardust but measured in inches?”* Use a tape measure only if you’ve pre-stocked therapy-grade dark chocolate.
Method 2: The Shadow Puppet Protocol
Step 1: Wait for a sunny day.
Step 2: Convince Terry to stand still long enough to trace his shadow.
Step 3: Measure the shadow. Now, subtract the existential dread that comes from realizing shadows are just light’s abandonment issues. Pro tip: If Terry asks, “Why are you doing this?” deflect with, “Journalistic curiosity,” then sprint.
Method 3: Quantum Physics (Sort Of)
Height is relative—just ask Schrödinger’s cat. Place Terry next to a giraffe, a step ladder, and a framed photo of Nietzsche. Observe the chaos. If he appears taller when near the giraffe, you’ve succeeded. If he starts quoting *“Beyond Good and Evil”*, abort and blame the tape measure. Remember: The act of measuring collapses the probability wave of his patience. Use a banana for scale only if you’re prepared to discuss the futility of fruit-based metrics.
Bonus: If all else fails, just Google it. But beware—the internet might answer, “Terry Moran’s height is whatever you need it to be.” *Cue the saxophone solo of existential despair*.