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The trump trim-down: how mcdonald’s milkshakes and midnight tweets are melting the mar-a-lago lbs?

1. The “Big Macs and Executive Orders” Diet Plan: A Caloric Conundrum

Ever wondered what happens when you combine a fast-food staple with the gravitas of governmental decree? Enter the “Big Macs and Executive Orders” Diet Plan, where the only thing more inflated than the calorie count is the sheer audacity of claiming this is a “balanced approach.” Imagine replacing your morning green juice with a Secret Sauce IV drip, then casually signing a memo to ban broccoli within a 10-mile radius of your desk. This isn’t just a diet—it’s a lifestyle, one where the only thing bipartisan is your love for extra fries.

Step 1: Supersize Your Agenda (And Your Meal)

  • Executive Order 123: “Hold the Pickles, Hold the Lettuce… but Mandate Special Sauce for All.”
  • Caloric Lobbying: Swap filibusters for fry-busters. Who needs Senate approval when you’ve got a 3am drive-thru run?
  • Veto Power: Reject salads. Always. *Cries in arugula.*

The genius here? You’ll burn calories just thinking about how to justify this plan to your personal trainer. “It’s about economic stimulation!” you’ll say, waving a crumpled burger wrapper like a policy brief. Meanwhile, your Fitbit logs “15 minutes of existential dread” as exercise. Bonus points if you convince yourself that “two all-beef patties” count as a protein-forward meal prep strategy. Spoiler: the only thing getting leaner is your grip on reality.

Step 2: The Macronutrient Summit

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Host a press conference to announce that ketchup packets are now a vegetable (again). Declare a state of emergency over the Great Fry Shortage of 2024. And remember: every time you say “infrastructure bill,” take a bite of a McRib. Coincidence? Absolutely. But with enough honey mustard diplomacy, you’ll have NATO questioning whether “hold the onions” is a geopolitical metaphor. Pro tip: Use the burger’s three-layer bun structure to explain checks and balances. “See? The middle bun is the judiciary. It’s… uh… foundational.”

2. The Golf Cart Workout: Burning Calories by Yelling at Sand Traps

Forget Pilates. Ditch the dumbbells. The real fitness revolution is here, and it involves a golf cart, a sand trap, and the primal scream of a person who just watched their ball vanish into the abyss like a sock in a dryer. The Golf Cart Workout™ isn’t about swinging clubs—it’s about swinging emotions. Studies show* that a single outburst at a bunker can burn up to 50 calories, depending on volume, creativity of expletives, and whether you accidentally hit “send” on the ranting voice memo meant for your golf buddy.

Core Exercises Included (Whether You Like It or Not):

  • Cart Swerve Crunches: Engage your obliques by jerking the steering wheel violently to avoid eye contact with the group you’re tailgating.
  • Passive-Aggressive Clap Sprints: Rapidly applaud your partner’s “almost great” shot while muttering “so close” through gritted teeth (works jawline and deltoids).
  • Sand Trap Shadowboxing: Mime attacking the bunker with a rake after your third failed escape. Optional: Name the sand trap “Kevin.”

*These “studies” were conducted by a guy in a visor who may or may not have been hallucinating from heatstroke. But hey, why let facts ruin a perfectly good excuse to argue with geology? Pro tip: Maximize gains by “forgetting” your water bottle in the cart, forcing you to hike back mid-hole. Bonus points if you shake your fist at a duck. It’s not about the score—it’s about the sore.

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3. The Hair Paradox: How His Combover Defies Physics (and Distracts from the Scale)

The Science of Suspicious Strands

Let’s address the elephant—or rather, the hair mammoth—in the room. His combover isn’t just a hairstyle; it’s a rebel alliance of follicles that’s clearly signed a peace treaty with gravity. How does 3.7 inches of hair on the left side cover 12 square inches of scalp real estate? Simple: chaos theory. Scientists have tried to model it, but every wind tunnel test ends with a PhD student muttering, “*It’s not even aerodynamic*,” into a stress ball. Rumor has it NASA briefly considered recruiting his stylist to design lightweight space shields.

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Distraction by Design: A Masterclass

The true genius of the combover isn’t its defiance of physics—it’s its flawless misdirection. While you’re busy wondering, “*Is that hair or a carefully trained lichen?*” you’re not noticing the scale blinking numbers like a slot machine. Here’s how it works:

  • Step 1: Create a “hair horizon” that bends light (and attention) away from the truth.
  • Step 2: Use the combover’s sheer audacity to trigger existential questions about reality. (*“If a hair sways in a breeze but no one’s around to see it, does it even exist?”*)
  • Step 3: Profit from the confusion as onlookers debate whether it’s a hairpiece, a hat, or a topographic map of the Andes.

Some claim the combover operates on Newton’s lesser-known third law: For every ounce of scalp exposed, there shall be an equal and opposite distraction. We’re not saying it’s alien technology, but we’ve yet to see a human explain how it stays put during a salsa dance *or* a heated debate about lawnmower brands. One thing’s certain: if he ever cuts it off, the resulting time-space ripple might finally answer whether socks disappear in the dryer.

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