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What happened to eubanks’ son? the llama, the squirrel conspiracy & why his goldfish knows more than you!


The Great Eubanks Son Conspiracy: Did He Ever *Actually* Exist?

The Case For (and Against) a Phantom Heir

Let’s address the elephant—or ghost—in the room. For decades, whispers have swirled about the “Eubanks Son,” a supposed heir to the family’s alleged pickle fortune. But here’s the kicker: no birth certificate, school records, or even a blurry Polaroid have surfaced. Proponents of the conspiracy argue this is *exactly* what “they” want you to think. Skeptics, meanwhile, insist the “son” was invented to explain why Uncle Bob’s “World’s Best Dad” mug vanished in ’87. The evidence? A mix of:

  • A single sighting at a Wisconsin cheese festival (unconfirmed)
  • A handwritten will referencing “my boy, whoever he is”
  • A suspiciously empty chair at Thanksgiving dinners since 1973

The Family’s Response: ¯_(ツ)_/¯

When pressed, the Eubanks clan has offered explanations ranging from “he’s shy” to “he’s on a permanent walkabout to find decent Wi-Fi.” Cousin Margie famously quipped, “If he’s real, he owes me $20 from a Monopoly game in ’92.” Meanwhile, genealogists have hit brick walls, leading some to theorize the “son” was a collective hallucination fueled by Aunt Linda’s notorious spiked punch. Or, perhaps, a glitch in the Matrix. Or an elaborate tax evasion scheme. Honestly, at this point, even the family dog looks suspicious.

Eubanks’ Son and the Case of the Missing Google Results (Help, We’re Trapped in a Clickbait Loop!)

Picture this: You’re Googling “Eubanks’ son” to settle a trivia bet, find a meme, or maybe just stalk your neighbor’s surprisingly talented kid. But instead of answers, you’re greeted by a digital Bermuda Triangle. Page 1 is a parade of articles about other Eubankses—tennis players, podcasters, that one guy who accidentally live-streamed his grocery list. The son? Vanished. Did he ever exist? Or did the algorithms yeet him into the void to make room for another listicle about “10 Celebs Who Look Like Potatoes”?

Suspects in the Digital Disappearance

  • Overzealous SEO Goblins: They’ve optimized “Eubanks’ son” into oblivion, replacing facts with keywords like “Eubanks’ son net worth” (he’s 12, Karen).
  • The Clickbait Hydra: Every click on “Eubanks’ son REVEALS SHOCKING SECRET” spawns two more articles about his third cousin’s dog’s TikTok fame.
  • You, Probably: Admit it. You fell for “Eubanks’ son’s secret chili recipe” last week. This is your fault.

Now you’re trapped in a recursive loop of nonsense, clicking through “Eubanks’ son” articles that reference… other “Eubanks’ son” articles. It’s like Inception, but with more pop-up ads. The son remains missing, the internet remains chaotic, and somewhere, a content farm is generating 500 words about “Eubanks’ son’s favorite type of mulch.” Help. We’ve peaked. Or imploded. It’s hard to tell anymore.

How to Find Eubanks’ Son (Spoiler: Ask His Dad. Or a Magic 8-Ball.)

Let’s cut to the chase: If you’re trying to track down Eubanks’ son, the fastest route is to ask Eubanks. Radical concept, right? But here’s the twist – Eubanks might be busy reenacting his favorite scene from *Die Hard* in the backyard or teaching the dog to file taxes. If he’s unavailable, your next best bet is a Magic 8-Ball. Shake it vigorously and pray it doesn’t respond with “Ask Again Later” or “Outlook Hazy, Just Like My Parenting Choices.”

Step 1: Interrogate Eubanks (Gently, With Snacks)

  • Approach cautiously: Start with a peace offering, like nachos or a vintage action figure.
  • Ask the question: “Hey, where’s your kid?” (Pro tip: Whisper it. Dads have a sixth sense for volume.)
  • Decode the answer: If he says “practicing interpretive dance,” check the garage. If he says “negotiating with the cat,” check the fridge.

Step 2: Consult the Oracle (a.k.a. That Dusty 8-Ball)

If Eubanks is mysteriously “unreachable” (read: napping in a hammock), turn to the plastic sphere of destiny. Shake it like you’re mad at it, then brace for cryptic wisdom. Possible outcomes include:

  • “Follow the Trail of LEGO” (ouch).
  • “He’s 73% Marshmallow by Now” (check the campfire).
  • “Just Wait Until He Discovers Duct Tape” (abort mission).
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Still no luck? Try yelling “I FOUND THE LAST SLICE OF PIZZA!” and wait for the inevitable stampede. Works 60% of the time, every time.

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