1. Beyoncé Tried to Clone Herself (But Kelly and Michelle Were All Like, “Nah, We’re Good”)
The Great Clone Conspiracy of 2009 (Allegedly)
Rumor has it that in 2009, Beyoncé—fresh off the *I Am… Sasha Fierce* high—briefly considered cloning herself to “handle all the side quests while she conquered the musicverse.” According to “sources” (a.k.a. a very vivid dream we had after eating questionable gas station sushi), she pitched the idea to Kelly and Michelle over a plate of vegan wings. The plan? A squad of Bey-bots to drop surprise albums, slay Coachella holograms, and argue with anonymous Twitter trolls—all while the OG Queen Bey took a nap. Kelly reportedly blinked slowly and said, “Bey… we already *have* a clone. Her name is ‘Single Ladies’ dance double #7.”
Why Kelly and Michelle Politely Declined
- Reason #1: “Who’s gonna explain the clones to Solange?” *[Cue elevator flashbacks.]*
- Reason #2: Michelle’s exact words: “I love you, but I’m not babysitting a Beyoncé clone who’ll inevitably overthrow a small nation by accident.”
- Reason #3: Kelly already had plans to binge-watch *The Office* and “wasn’t trying to reset the simulation.”
Undeterred, Beyoncé allegedly built a secret lab beneath the “Run the World (Girls)” music video set, complete with laser-guided glitter cannons and a backup dancer assembly line. But when Kelly sent a Group text saying, “Nah, we’re good 💁🏾♀️,” the project was scrapped. Rumor also says the abandoned clones now host underground karaoke nights in Houston, exclusively singing *Destiny’s Child* deep cuts. Allegedly.
2. The Great “Bootylicious” Avocado Shortage of 2004
When Destiny’s Child’s Lyrics Collided With Brunch Chaos
In 2004, the world learned the hard way that you can, in fact, blame it on the a-a-a-a-avocado. Thanks to Beyoncé’s 2001 bop “Bootylicious” (which aged like a fine guac), millennials suddenly decided that “avocado” and “bootylicious” were synonyms. Cue a global panic as brunch enthusiasts, yoga moms, and a suspicious number of “I only eat kale” influencers stampeded grocery stores. The result? A catastrophic avocado shortage that left toast naked, tacos lonely, and a generation questioning their life choices.
The Dark Side of Green Gold
Grocery stores became war zones. Produce aisles echoed with cries of “WHERE ARE THE AVOCADOS?!” and “IS IT RIPE YET?!” (Spoiler: It never was.) The shortage got so dire that:
- 🕶️ Guacamole emergencies were declared at 3 a.m. house parties.
- 🌮 Taco Tuesday was demoted to “Taco *Theoretically* Tuesday.”
- 💸 Avocado black markets sprouted in parking lots, trading single Hass avocados for vintage Tamagotchis.
Even the U.S. government briefly considered classifying guac as a “non-essential life resource” (they backtracked after 47 million SideEye emojis flooded Twitter). Meanwhile, avocado farmers became accidental celebrities, dodging paparazzi while muttering, “We just grow fruit, not vibes.” The chaos only eased when someone finally whispered, “Hey, maybe eat a carrot?”—a suggestion promptly ignored.
3. They Discovered the Truth About “Independent Women” (It Was a Group Project All Along)
Picture this: a woman strides confidently into a coffee shop, orders a matcha latte without breaking eye contact, and casually dismantles the patriarchy between sips. “Independent woman” energy? Absolutely. But here’s the plot twist archaeologists just unearthed: that “self-made” aura is actually powered by a secret committee. Think less “lone wolf” and more “carefully organized wolf pack that shares Google Calendars.” Turns out, “independence” is just a group project where everyone pretends not to notice the group.
The “Self-Made” Illusion (Spoiler: It Takes a Village)
Behind every “I woke up like this” queen are:
- The friend who proofreads her “chill” breakup text (3 drafts minimum).
- A barista who memorizes her “complicated” order (soy milk, but only on Tuesdays).
- An army of houseplants she whispers affirmations to (they’re her emotional support audience).
Even her Wi-Fi router deserves a LinkedIn shoutout. Independence? More like interdependence with extra steps—and better Wi-Fi.
And let’s not forget the unsung heroes: the ancestors who side-eye her from the afterlife every time she claims she “built this alone.” Sure, Jan. You “built it” the same way one “builds” IKEA furniture—with cryptic instructions, existential tears, and a friend Googling “how to attach Björksta to Fridolf.” The truth’s out: independence is just teamwork with a better PR team. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to Venmo our therapist for their contribution to this paragraph.